Neighbor Tuesday: Thanksgiving politics

Schitts Creek style

Hi, neighbors!

Thanks for the grace to push this Neighbor Tuesday from last week. Pneumonia has left the building (thank goodness!), and everyone is back to school/work/on-the-mend. Now is catch-up time. And, a huge solidarity to many of you dealing with sickness this season. I heard from lots of you after my post last week. Hang in there if you’re still dealing with it!

Now, let’s chat about Thanksgiving. If you’re not in the US (my last poll showed that you all live in 80 countries!!), you can read this post as how to interact with people that think differently than you do when it’s hard. So, think through a situation which might be like a Thanksgiving-table that could become contentious this season - particularly after an election season that 64 countries went through or are going through this year.

In the US, it’s generally advised to not talk about politics or religion at the table. Or relationships or ideologies or pumpkin versus pecan pie. JK. #alwayspecanwithicecream. This year, many of you are going to a table that could be difficult. Either you are the only one in your family who thinks like you do (and voted like you did) and everyone knows it. Or you have that one (or two or three) family members who are super vocal about, well, everything. If you had a hard time with your family during COVID or about faith issues or during this election season, this year’s table might be hard. The mix of family, COVID, holidays, politics can be so hard and hurtful. Many of you have lost family members due to COVID or have family that won’t speak to you anymore because of you acting like a neighbor. Y’all, I get that. And, just want to say that it’s hard and has been hard. You are certainly seen here! Even if you’ve had to keep those feelings inside! (I sprinkled in my love for Schitts Creek GIFs throughout this post to help you chuckle as you read.)

I was talking with a friend the other day and he said they always talk about politics and faith at the holiday table - because they all think the same way and it’s life-giving to talk about it. It’s a safe place, full of ally-ship and affirming voices. They can cry together and voice fears together. They are understood and can come to the table as their full selves. If that’s you, give thanks! For many, that is not at all the case. And, it’s hard. So, we need a plan! Not only on how to ‘fold in the cheese’… (this is the best scene ever).

Here’s some thoughts about how to do Thanksgiving without losing your mind:

1. Have a plan before you get to the table on what you will absolutely not engage in. If you don’t have a plan, you’ll get to the table, someone will make a comment about something that makes your brain boil like you’re in the movie ‘Inside Out’. And, you’ll spend so much time and mental energy figuring out a response. Then you’ll respond and be mad the rest of the day and the other person wins. Don’t do that. Instead, I have a list of things I will not engage in, regardless of brain boiling. Or, perhaps, because of brain boiling. Because, if we’re honest, brains will still boil. But, I don’t have to boil for the rest of the time because I didn’t engage. Make a list - mine is “Politics (anything political, like truly anything), COVID (y’all this was and is the hardest for me, but I will not engage), and some other things”. But, those are the big ones. Just don’t engage. You might boil when you don’t engage. But, not near as bad as you engage. Go take a walk, look up to the sky for perspective, take some breaths. Will it even matter if you say anything? Probably not but you’re left mad for days. I choose to not say anything, be mad for a bit, and then let it go. Which brings me to #2…

   

2. Have a mantra ready to go. When you’re at the table or washing dishes or watching football and someone says something, have a mantra to say in your head. Like, “Don’t engage. It won’t make a difference.” “Nothing will change if I say anything.” “I’m not a doormat. I’m beloved.” (See #7 below). Remind yourself that you had a plan of what not to engage in and stick to it. Your mantra could also be, “I’m safe. I’m loved. I’m a neighbor.” or something like that if you need that. Sometimes being a neighbor means neighboring yourself by being quiet where it’s not safe to speak. For many of you, holidays are times were you might feel like you’re not accepted for whatever reason. And, I want to validate that for you. Those are true feelings and really hard. So having a mantra ready to go to help stabilize you might help you get through the holiday.

   

3. Think through the outcomes. With your plan, I would also suggest thinking through the outcomes if you do engage. What will happen if you engage with a family member on whatever topic y’all disagree on? Will you be heard? Or will you be run over? Look at the history of those engagements with you and your family to help you see the most likely outcome if you engage. If it looks like you won’t be heard and just leave mad, then don’t engage. It’s just not worth it to me. Sometimes, you can engage. I’ve just found those times to be rare during the holidays.

   

4. Don’t take the bait. Most of us know people who love to bait an argument - either directly with you or just in general. They love to argue and win. Before you get to the holiday, think through who they are (Uncle So-and-So or Extended-Family-MAGA or Cousin-COVID-denier) and what the bait is. For example, if someone at the table knows you are upset at the election outcome, they might try to bait you to a “discussion” about the election. DON’T TAKE THE BAIT. =) Remember suggestion #3. Will engaging even matter at the end of the conversation or will it just make you mad? When I’ve had those scenarios, I’ve redirected the discussion by asking someone else a question about their life. Usually everyone at the table knows that was a redirection and wants peace too. If the person still baits you, you can just call it out and try to make it into a joke if you can. “Listen, Grandma doesn’t want politics at the table so I’m not talking about it right now. Can you please pass the mashed potatoes?” You might have to push back a few times (or even just walk away), but don’t take the bait. You win the argument that way.

   

5. If you’re hosting, you make the rules! If you’re hosting Thanksgiving this year, consider sending an email to everyone who is coming to lay ground rules. It doesn’t have to be all doldrums and negatives either. You can make it light and fun but still get your point across. “In light of a polarizing year for people, I declare my house a politics-free zone. If I hear politics discussed, you will be kicked out. Just kidding. You just won’t get any dessert.” You could also have a sign on the door with that statement to make people laugh but also set some boundaries. You could have a bell at the table to ring if anyone brings junk up. And, ring it! Be creative and funny. But you can be in control and set the tone.

   

6. Have a plan for your heart. This advice is a bit more tender. Holidays can be so hard if you live/vote/work/faith neighborly but your family doesn’t. So, the aftermath of holidays can take a toll on your heart and mental health. Those weeks can be hard to get through. I would suggest preparing in advance for that. Setting boundaries, like what we’ve already talked about, is a key to protecting yourself. I would also suggest having a friend or partner with you. Have a code word or “look” that you’ve pre-planned with them that means, “Let’s go outside. I need some help.”. Having someone there to support you could make a big difference. Or a friend available to text and remind you of your mantras helps too. Remind yourself of #7…

   

7. You’re not a doormat. So far, I’ve suggested to not engage or speak up at Thanksgiving. But, that is within the context and assumption that history has shown you that speaking up won’t make a difference. It just makes you mad. I’m not suggesting we stuff our feelings and not say anything. There’s time and place to speak up. And, that time and place might be at the Thanksgiving table for you this year. If that’s so, we are cheering you on. What I’m encouraging us to do is have wisdom to know when the time and place is safe and heard. You’re not a doormat. You are beloved. Wisdom is living into the belovedness that is yours in spaces where you are heard, cherished, and seen. Sometimes that means speaking up and other times it means leaving the room. Sometimes that means redirecting conversation and not leaving because you want to be there with your Grandmother. Sometimes that means visiting your Grandmother later that week when it’s just you because you just couldn’t go to Thanksgiving this year. Wisdom, wisdom, wisdom. You’re not a doormat. You are beloved. Maybe that’s your mantra this year. It gives you space to remember your belovedness and do what’s right for you, regardless of “winning” an argument or speaking up. You are beloved because of who you are, not what you say or win. No one can take that away from you. (I also wrote a whole chapter about wisdom in my book through the story of Nehemiah if you’re interested.) So, live into that belovedness - even if you have to do that by not going to the Thanksgiving table this year or going with a plan.

   

8. Look up. I’ve been doing a lot of this lately and had a personal post a few days ago for paid subscribers on what that means for me. When times get tough this week, go outside and look up. It will automatically make you take a deep breath (go ahead, try it now to see what I mean), but also remind you that time will move on. That the world is bigger than a simple week. That you are bigger than a hard Thanksgiving table. It will help give some perspective. Say your mantra and a ‘thank you’ to the universe. (Here’s one of my favorite outdoor scenes in Schitts Creek. Makes me laugh every time!)

   

9. Lastly, give thanks. Remember the people inside who you want to love and are thankful for. I remember doing this when my grandparents were alive and would make a point that I wanted them to know how much I loved them while I was visiting. So, that was my plan for the week and it can center you to think beyond the hard parts and get through a family gathering that might be difficult. Gratitude works wonders to reorient our brain to “look up” and find something to be thankful for. This isn’t toxic positivity either. Gratitude for me is something deeper. It makes me see the small beauties of life despite the hard parts too. Both things can be true at once - gratitude and hard parts. I’m planning to give thanks where I can and move the week with as much love and pockets of joy that I can - along with some boundaries. =)

   

That’s it for now, neighbors. I do hope you have a great holiday week - full of wisdom, pockets of joy, and good food. I’m thinking of so many of you heading into a hard week with difficult tables. I get that. May we recognize our belovedness is still there. And have the wisdom to look up when you need it.

-Emily

PS: I had WAY too much fun with the Schitts Creek gifs.

All GIFs from giphy.com.